(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.