The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Fries, not lies.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot