sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
They’re called werewolves.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids