Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
You Might Also Like
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”