My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
s
oc
i
a
l
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]