Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.