Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Bloody internet 😳
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary