How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.