Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
And that about sums it up.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.