so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Tastes like chicken.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.