Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
What’s so funny?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*