Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou