Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.