Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
i choose….tongue
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
ugh not again
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me