Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I have a type: disappointing
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?