Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
don’t be scared
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!