Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.