This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
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