My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Two types of dogs.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.