I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I hate when that happens.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house