A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs