Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.