high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.