Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Just why bro?!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I identify as an antique shop.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂