Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
This has made my week.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
i- i did not expect this
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.