ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
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2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
This is a whole mood;
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back