In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows