My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.