There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Things will get butter, keep churning
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.