Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
*seductively corrects your posture*
A small tragedy.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
fourth time’s the charm
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!