Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
our love story in four pictures
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t