It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
They got Raph!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*