how long have you had this for?
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Here’s a meme
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.