“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned