girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I identify as an antique shop.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.