Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
was Jim off killing horses or…
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
This story is comedy gold 😂
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?