I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Fights fire with marshmallows
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.