I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: