If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me :
All Day At Night
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.