people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Oh, I bet you would be
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys