You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
79.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.