Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Time heals everything 🙂
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
🤣✨#caturday
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.