my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.