*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him