you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
You Might Also Like
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
This rocks
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.