Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
no one likes gloating
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):