Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?