Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
looks legit
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies