*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.