Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Liquor Store Parking
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.